[Monday, | October 23rd, 2006 at 12:21pm] moved to subamoebic

farewell assembly. [Wednesday, | October 18th, 2006 at 7:51pm] ( and so we say... ) 5 comment

buka puasa with 05a03 [Friday, | October 13th, 2006 at 10:49pm] [ mood | naughty ] buka puasa with the muslim classmates today was definitely fun-filled and of course fulfilling. what not, we had more than enough food and ate more than we could. not that that's a bad thing cause its been a long time since i ate that much. buka puasa was held at fatimah's house despite the initial plan to go simpang bedok. anyways, the reason simply was so that we could all get a taste of her mum's famous tom yam once again. and so we buka-ed crowding around the coffee table and making ourselves comfortable and cozy on the floor and sofa while watching princess hours. i'm not a sucker for korean dramas but princess hours was quite ok. or maybe its the fact that some of the actors are really good-looking and cute. heh. so we ate while listening to fatimah who's practically like a walking encyclopedia of korean dramas, telling us a brief summary of the serial. and soon after, we ate some more and more and more. watching tv had never been so kecoh with hadi wanting so badly to watch the eason chan commercial. changing to every channel when the opportunity strikes just so that he could catch a glimpse of it. hah. inside joke:) so we stayed on till smallville ended. there were plans to go to kampong glam/arab street but went home or rather i went home instead cause it was getting late. had hopes of meeting up with the boy but it turned out that he was at arab street, making me regret not following them. ah well. so that was it. and of course, buka puasa was also accompanied by fatimah's lovable cat, ramadhan:) 1 comment

legally 18. [Sunday, | September 24th, 2006 at 5:18pm] [ mood | grateful ] [ music | you'll be safe here-rivermaya ] finally, it is here. the day that i turn 18. previously, it seems really silly that everyone around me was already turning year older while i was still stuck being 17. heck, don't even ask me why i am so eager to be 18. but now, that wait is over and i am of legal age as of now. but truth be told, it doesn't even feel any different or rather i don't feel any different. i mean the parents did ever mention that no matter what age i am, i will forever be their daughter and will always be under their care up till the day i get married which i suspect will only be when i am of 30 years of age. my freedom is still under their control although there have been some loosenings thankfully. no smoking, no late-nights, no sheesha-ing. not that i am complaining, cause at least they still care:) so what's the difference whether i'm 16 or 17 or 18? as far as i am concerned, as the years add on, it only means that more responsibilities are added and expectations are heightened. and that kind of scares me a little cause i'm not sure whether i'm ready to face all that yet. suddenly, i feel as though i'm supposed to be more matured in my decision-making and how i portray myself be it through actions or verbally. i feel that i need to prove that i am worthy of being 18. being 18 probably just mean that you get to watch m18 movies and take up your driver's license. i just feel so old. haha. ironic isn't it that when you were in primary or lower secondary, you can't wait to be older but once you are older and you realise what you have to go through, you just want time to be on your side but always, that is not the case. if this is already how i am feeling when i am 18, i can't imagine how i would feel like later one when i turn 25. i'll probably feel ancient and start worrying about non-existant wrinkles and wonder why i'm not married yet. but that's a totally different story for some other time :) the supposedly 'happy' birthday day didn't exactly started out on a happy note. for one thing, you just had to spoil everything and me feel at my worst right when the clock strikes midnight and 24 september had already begun. come on, i thought that you'll at least give me a teeny bit of benefit of the doubt but no, you just had to continue on and dwell on the whole thing. a tiny part of me hates you for doing that but i guess the best thing is to just ignore it and not let it spoil my day. that aside, a great big thank you to all the birthday wishes be it when it was exactly 12 am or during sahur earlier in the morning :) well, there were some presents here and there but kudos to the sister for giving me the most appropriate present ever :) "The Notebook" by nicholas sparks. ok, it might not be an extravagant pressie but she still got me something that i really wanted and have been searching for. like she knew it somehow. haha. despite already watching the movie a few times, i always thought that the original storyline would be much much more heartwarming and better. and true enough, i've started reading it a little and the novel is better than the movie itself. it makes me believe that true love does exist in reality although currently, i can't say the same for my situation. despite that, thanks for the present(s). and oh, speaking of movies, i managed to watch "sisterhood of travelling pants" yesterday night on cable. another great movie indeed about friendship. i kind of teared a little cause i realise how important and special having girlfriends can be and how much i miss having that special bond. and also because the storyline was very touching. one might say that it's actually just another kiddie movie but seriously, after watching it, you'll come to notice life's little things and being there for each other is important and that a hug means alot. watch it with a few girlfriends and i'm sure you'll learn to appreciate them more:) i read the newspapers today and there was an article that was featuring the first ever muslimah or rather islam woman to go to space. reading that makes me think back about how badly i wanted to be an astronaut back when i was in primary school. yeah, kind of an unrealistic dream but at that point of time it seemed like the coolest job ever. travelling to space and getting to see the stars and the planets and just being able to float around due to lack of gravity. i still remember the time when my dad took the whole family to a nasa xshibition that was held in singapore way back and i remembered being so eager about it and was in awe about everything that i saw or heard or tried on. i don't know how or when, but somehow, that dream just died out. maybe i realised that it was nearly impossible for a simple girl living in singapore to be achieving that type of dream that will always just remain a dream. i knew that after that, i struggled with trying to find what i was good at and what i should become. i was so keen on finding out where was my place in this world. you wouldn't believe all the different types of occupation that i wanted to take. scientist, astronaut, teacher, writer, broadcaster, lingerie designer, technician, photographer. but now, 9 years later, i don't even know what i want to be. all i know is that i must do well for the examinations and secure a place in the university. how times change. how time flies. on a lighter note, singapore idol finals are on tonight. jonathan leong and hady mirza. well, personally, i'll have to say i'll pick jonathan cause he's got a little more edge eh? but don't we all agree that that both of them are equally good and talented? my dad says that hady already has a professional name. the name hady mirza already has a ring to it. yeah, true but what's in a name? in the end, its the talent that counts. well, results will be out tomorrow and singapore will have a second idol. previously, i thought that singapore is actually too small a country to have more than one idol. but hey, all in the name of entertainment, the search of the second idol was on. on a totally different scale, one might ask since it is a birthday, how about the birthday cake? well, i don't think there will be any birthday cake seeing that today is the first day of the fasting month and having a birthday cake for break fast on the first day will just seem weird won't it? haha. personally, i think i'm too old to be having any birthday cakes although i do remember still having one last year and still making a stupid wish when i blew out the candles. although birthday cupcakes will be cool:) so the whole birthday day is just actually quite boring actually. sitting at home and going through human geography isn't exactly the best way to spend your birthday is it. it kind of sucks actually having your birthday around the examination period. which just reminds me, that school is on tomorrow and the prelims result will be out. not looking forward to that obviously. the only good thing is that collapsed timetable will take effect as of tomorrow which means school will end earlier which means that there will be more time for revision. you can just feel the heat coming. well, selamat berpuasa anyways. bubur masjid and air katira is such a turn on during this fasting month. haha:) 12 comment

start here. [Saturday, | September 23rd, 2006 at 6:51pm] i need a fresh start.

listen up you all. [Wednesday, | September 13th, 2006 at 5:15pm] [ mood | worried ] breathe sarah breathe. do not hyperventilate. do not choke. do not faint. well, that would be quite hard wouldn't it? considering the fact that my inner throat is swelling and red and it hurts every time i take a breath in. hell, it even hurts when i eat and i'm beginning to think that maybe i should be eating like an elderly. only consuming soft or liquid food. on monday night, in the midst of studying for ao maths, the inner throat started to feel very tight and sore. thinking that it was probably just nothing, i went to sleep hoping that it would go away the next day. but it didn't and i had to go through the ao maths paper with a painful throat. no, it wasn't sore throat cause it was even more torturous. and well, my father decided to take the half of the day off to send me to the doctor to get it checked despite me not wanting to do so. i mean, i don't want to waste time waiting at the clinic when i should be studying right? but he insisted saying that it could get worse. and so i went and yup, the doctor said something about it being red and swollen. but don't get the wrong idea, i have a swollen throat, not a swollen neck so it can't be seen luckily. the doctor was like, "do you want me to give you an mc from work?". only to which i replied, " erm, no. i am not working cause i am still a student and as a matter of fact, i am having my exams. so an mc is just a no-no." to which she answered, " oh..i see." all i have got to say is that, do i really look that old? don't i look like student? hmm..i'm only 17 turning 18 soon you know...which, as a not so subtle reminder, is only less than two weeks away :) my father has been asking as to what i want for my birthday and all i really want truly is to do well for the prelims and a levels. but you can't ask that from none other than yourself right? oh well. i feel very bad actually that i am i kind of asking my father to get me something for my birthday even at an age like this. i know he asked but still, i feel quite bad cause i don't think i should expect anything more from him after all that he has given me, the material and non-material aspects in life. but, he insisted and i said that i have been aiming for a certain adidas tote bag thats big and just perfect to carry my schoolbooks. but after which, i told him that i am probably never ever going to use it cause school will end soon and the only time i'll use it is probably when i go to uni (insyaallah). and so he offered to get me sandals. i have a strong feeling that he knows that i've been aiming a certain pair of birkenstock papillio sandals for quite sometime. but then...i told him that maybe not cause i've already owned quite a number of shoes plus sandals plus slippers. its so hard being the birthday girl. hahaha. oh well, i just told him anything would do. i actually thought the family could go out on my birthday and we'll have dinner or something. but, that won't happen considering the fact that my birthday falls on the first day of ramadhan. hence, the leceh-ness of wanting to break fast outside and to pray. whatever it is, i'm just thankful that i'm turning 18 soon. so today? econs paper 3? it was quite ok with a few ups and downs. well, at least i've got tonight and the whole of tomorrow to prepare for mlep paper on friday. 3 comment

prelims-day one. [Monday, | September 11th, 2006 at 7:53pm] [ mood | jealous ] [ music | hips don't lie-shakira ] bleargh. ugh. oh man. why why why.  those are the top words on my vocabulary list right now. thanks to the killer prelim papers today. for a start, the day didn't start off very good. not very good indeed. i was all ready to go to school with a positive mindset and i was consistently saying to myself that i will do the best i can, when, the pangs started. as i was inside the car on the way to school, pangs of pain pierced and shot through the stomach. unbearable. and to top it off, i was afraid that my dad wouldn't be able to send me to school in time. so, from being very calm, i got all restless and was trying to tell my stomach to make the pain go away cause that was really not the time for all that to be happening. the pangs came and went and i couldn't figure out what was the cause of it. it stayed on all the way till i reached school where it never did subside. when nearing the first paper, which was gp paper 1, i was beginning to think that the pangs were because of nervousness but nervousness can't be that painful right? i was so afraid that i would pass out during the paper and thankfully that didn't happen. the pain eventually went away little by little as i went through writing my gp essay. but despite the torment, i think i did ok for my gp essay? well its not safe to say it yet, but hopefully i did good.  but, for gp paper 2, what a turn off. i was contemplating as to whether i should even do the paper. no, it was not because of the pangs or the pain, it was because of the paper itself. maybe its my fault that i wasn't able to comprehend it fully. but halfway through, all i wanted to do was not do the paper. i wanted to give up but then, as always, there will always be this voice that says not to give up and keep on trying cause when you try, you'll at least earn some marks rather than no marks at all. so, i gave it all that i got and now, i'm praying that i'll at least manage a passing grade. and so, during the hour plus break, it was re-re-revising for physical geog paper. greenhouse effect, moonsoons, el nino, soil, weathering and all that sorts. but nearing one o'clock, the nervousness started again and the panic came. the cold sweat started to hit in and the mind got all uneasy. but, i pulled myself together and said that i will do this. and so the first part of the drq was ok, but then it started to deteriorate. time seemed insufficient and the later questions started becoming very very difficult. of course, we all didn't see those type of questions coming. but, its not like we didn't prepare, but its just that...i don't know. and so i managed to complete everything. the 5 drqs and 2 essays although i must say that i am not satisfied with it of course. i went out of the examination hall very very disappointed in myself knowing how much effort i have put in. please please please god, make my prayers come true. on a brighter side, the aftermath of the papers went well. talking to you was nice and i really appreciate it. but then, i keep on knocking myself in the head saying that i really really shouldn't be doing this, but i am. i am repeating it all over again. why? why when i say that i need you, you're not there. but when i don't need you or when i at least think i don't, you are here? making me feel all fluttery inside. sometimes, i feel like i am lying to myself. i am contradicting myself. but i just can't help it...you're just so..magical. now may not be the best time for all of this to start all over again, but you're just here. here right in front of my doorstep. am i doing the right thing by slowly opening up the iron doors once again for you when i already vowed to keep them shut? or should i add more locks to the doors and throw away the keys? man, you always get me spinning. but it seems that you understand me and those heart to heart talks we had earlier on made me see why i welcomed you in the first place. you made me see why i need you. but, i guess all that will have to wait cause its prelims right now and i'm glad that you understand me. thanks anyways:) ok, so i went home feeling quite down about my performance for the papers and my mum suggested that we sneak back into the school at night and change the answers. haha. of course she was joking. but that did manage to make me laugh though. but, like my brother said, what's done cannot be undone and i should not let it affect me too much cause i still have to go through ao maths paper tomorrow. so, i don't want to let my downfall today affect my performance for tomorrow's paper. my brother can be quite useful at times. heh. ok, now back to ao maths and i'm aiming to get what i achieved for. my mum says that you can't get all that you want at one shot and obviously success doesn't come easy. so, what i'm aiming for is for improvement in my prelims as compared to my common tests results. yes, that's what i want. but, if i am able to achieve my target, that's even better.  enough rant now. time to put differentiation, trigonometry, integration and matrices back into my head. hah. the things that we do for success. this is the disease of success and wanting to be an elite. well, i can't help it can i? its a dog-eat-dog world. 3 comment

when will my reflection show who i am inside. [Friday, | September 8th, 2006 at 1:40pm] [ mood | mellow ] i've been thinking about getting a new username and setting up a new livejournal account altogether. but all i've decided on is just a new layout. reading back past entries especially the locked ones makes me feel as though i've not been true to myself. at the same time, it makes me aware of the much mistakes that i have done and how i am ashamed of them. how much i don't want to repeat them again. reading them only serve as a another punch in the face for me. it makes me have a very uncomfortable feeling and then making me realise what type of person i really am. and sad to say, its someone that i don't really like. someone whom i once vowed i won't become. but i am that exact person that i despise. but on another note, recently, i've decided that these are MY mistakes. the mistakes that I MADE. the mistakes that I CHOOSE to make. and its these mistakes that have made it known to me that i must change. that i should no longer dwell on the past but instead learn from it. i should change to become someone better. i'm not denying the fact that i have made many many huge mistakes in the past, but now i can take these mistakes and serve them as a reminder for me not to change back to the old ways. so, i don't need a new 'life' altogether. i'll still build upon this life that i have although i'm not very proud of it. but i'll take the past as the foundation and the base to strengthen the journey that i'm about to take soon. a new me? nah. just a better version. you. i kept you far too long in my memories and as far as i can remember, you were a part of my past that have been lingering around far too long. and why? it's because i allowed you to do so. i refused to let you and the memories of you go. heck, you will always be a part of my past and a part of a chapter in my life. i can't change that. but i guess its time i allowed you to be completely erased from my past. i know i can't change my past but the fact that i keep on trying to bring back the past into my present and even sometimes my future have just resulted in disastrous effects. i guess the past should just be kept as the past. i don't get as to why i can't just let you be history. i can't get why i keep on trying to bring you back to life and bring back the memories of us when obviously i can't. sometimes, i just hate you for doing what you did to me but i know i can't do that cause one of the reasons why i kept wanting you to be a part of my present and my future was because of the impact that you had one me several years ago. how you made me feel appreciated and made me feel loved. and i guess its because of that i kept on holding on to those memories. but mark my words now, i won't be doing that. i have to master up the courage to let you be what you are supposed to be, which is just a memory. that's where you belong and that's what you should have been a long time ago. you're a completely different person now. heck, sometimes i even wonder whether you really were the person that made me have that magical feeling a long time ago. but, nonetheless, i still thank you for what you once did for me. now, all that you are is a whole sack full of lies and disappointment. but whatever it is, you know that you have brought me hope once before and i am grateful for that. but i have to remind myself that that was a long long time ago. things have changed now and because of that, i have to change to. its not like after all this, i'm going to delete every single entry about you cause like i have mentioned earlier, they will just serve as a reminder to me to let you be a memory that i don't which to relive back anymore. the race ends here. and how about you? well, all i'm going to say is that i'm utterly broken and taken aback by your actions. i guess all these years i've got it all wrong. i thought you knew me but i guess you don't. well, maybe the same goes for me too. maybe i don't know you too as much as i THOUGHT i knew. seriously, one would have have the thinking that after spending time together and being together all these years meant something and you would know what my priorities are. but proven, you don't. you think of only yourself and only you. well, i can just imagine you saying the same thing for me too. heck, i won't deny it. maybe i am like that too. but i have my reasons. you say that i don't care at all about us and that i've completely washed my hands off this whole relationship but as far i know, i have not. i know myself better. but you've got to understand my dear boy that i have prelims and a levels coming up and its only right that i do what i have to do. i have said that i would do anything just to get what i want and i won't be satisfied until i get it and if along the way shit happens, i'm just going to take it but i'm still going to continue on pursuing what i want. maybe i'm selfish that way. can't you see what's important to me right now?  i'm tired of re-enforcing it over and over again in your head. what happened to understanding and sacrifices? i'm taking a wild guess that maybe those were all bullshit. yeah, all bullshit. so that's it. no more games and no more miss nice. you can call me harsh and you can call me a jackass or you can just call me a plain evil person who does not give a damn about how you feel. but that's not on my agenda right now. cause what i want to do now is to make my parents and those who have hopes on me happy. these are the people who are important to me now. they've understood me 100%. i know that i've been neglecting them quite a bit but now its time that i realise that they are the ones that i should be putting first. i'm just disappointed in you. i'm done. and to YOU. all i can say is, thank you :) it's time to get my life back on track. 4 comment

tuesday. [Tuesday, | September 5th, 2006 at 8:39pm] [ mood | hot ] ahh. the holidays are here. but not for long of course. only a week. but still, at least something rather than nothing. it gives me a chance to catch up on some schoolwork and also a chance to hit the books harder this time round. prelims are straight away after the september hols and just the thought of it sends jeepers creepers through my mind. huh..just imagine how it will be when the 'A' levels are nearing. so today...well today i decided that maybe i could cool it off just a little bit. slack just a teeny weeny bit after the very very saturated day i had yesterday. yesterday( which was monday), the whole day was solely spent on re-revising human geography again. started off early in the morning and ended off late through the night. so, after waking up today at 9, i said to myself that " hey..maybe i need break. a short one. just so that i won't overload my brain too much.." hyuk hyuk. and so what i did was i sat myself comfortably beside the telly and watched 'memoirs of a geisha'. yeah, i know its kind of a bit too late to be watching that but seriously, i haven't had the opportunity to watch it even though i wanted to for so long. so now, since i've got the time to spare and thanks to my aunt who generously lend the dvd, i got the chance to watch it. and so me and my mother who occasionally went to and fro from the living room and the kitchen, watched memoirs of a geisha on this very day. and as cliche as it sounds, the movie was very very good indeed. although the english subtitles were a bit off, but thats besides the point. one of the best movies i must say. thereafter, it was back to mugging. and today's agenda was to master maths. ao maths to be exact. yeah, only ao maths but i'm still grappling with it despite the fact that i took a maths for o levels which i got a measly c6 for it. oh wells, all in all, the afternoon which was devoted to maths was fruitful indeed but the status of my undertstanding with calculus still needs upgrading though. bah... so that's about it. i forsee that for this whole week, i will be staying home and just burying myself in lecture notes. well, just being buried in them is not enough, understanding them and remembering them is what i'm supposed to achieve. all the best for those in the same boat:) in the meantime, something i found very interesting while surfing the net. worth the look:) http://users.skynet.be/J.Beever/pave.htm comment

hang on. [Saturday, | September 2nd, 2006 at 6:19pm] [ mood | restless ] i'm going to do whatever it takes. here i come. comment

not my cup of coffee. [Wednesday, | August 23rd, 2006 at 8:34pm] [ mood | sad ] and so i've been well. minus the minor migrains, throwing of tantrums and sudden outbursts, overall i've been doing ok.  sometimes,don't you ever question how hypocritical people can get? i know nobody is ever perfect and of course neither am i. but, even after countless friendly reminders, doesn't one ever realise that you are actually hurting others by putting up a facade? you know, i'm really really getting tired of these games that you are playing. i used to think that we would get along alright when i first met you but things changed after that. why?  i realised that alot has changed since the first time we both got to know each other. i mean, hell, we were close and i was beginning to think that hey, maybe i'm not such a mean and bad person afterall. i've got someone who shares the same interests as me and we're getting along great. the gossips, laughs, bitching and all those other stuff. but somehow, things changed slowly. a part of me wants to deny the fact that maybe you feel insecure around me but i guess most probably thats the reason why. but come on, i thought we were friends. i know i'm probably being very childish by saying all these but its the truth. you may not know it, but you've hurt me. yeah, i may come off as someone who's very stubborn and very thick skin, but everyone has a softer side. i used to be able to share with you everything and anything, knowing that you'll always lend a listening ear, knowing that you'll be happy and sad with me together. you used to be there for me. used to. i was really quite pleased and happy i must say with the friendship that we've built up over such a short period of time. but look at us now.  i know i've said that i'm ok with things. but the thing is, i'm not. i stood there and i watched you went off just like that. without a word of goodbye or anything. maybe you'll probably just give me lame excuse. sometimes, i have a feeling that you never really did like me and you never really did consider me as your friend. yeah, you'll still say that we're friends right now but i see us more off just being casual friends cause we rarely talk right now. when we do talk, its only a line or two. what more, have those heart-to-heart talks that we used to have. you'll probably just say that i'm overreacting. well maybe i am. i really don't want to offend you but i just hope that sometimes you realise that i miss the friendship between us that we used to have. sometimes, i really don't understand it. some day you'll be ok towards me, while some days you'll completely ignore me like i'm the meanest and the worst person ever. you can change just like that. in a snap. tell me where did i go wrong? i just don't understand you sometimes. you know, i'm beginning to hate the fact that i'm not able to have people around me for long. people say i'm intimidating? hahahahaha. or am i? i hate to be the one that doesn't have a social life. i've told myself time and time again that friends are not everything but i can't lie to myself. yes, friends aren't everything but at certain points in your life, you do need friends. i miss having a best friend. i miss doing girly stuff with a friend. why not you just tell me that you don't like me? you hate my guts then in that case, i won't feel anything anymore since i know the truth. i'm sorry if i've offended you in any way. people change and i've got to accept that. oh wells, maybe i'm just imagining it? well...sometimes being a loner might not be so bad. afterall, i've still got my family and you to rely on. friendship doesn't lasts. maybe i'm wrong? oh wells. i've never been able to keep anyone as a friend long enough. maybe i'm the hypocrite. but i think i no longer can be subtle about this. gosh. i feel like such a loser sometimes. grow up sarah and stop acting like a primary school kid.  6 comment

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